Turns out they don't have to induce dry-heaves if you cook them properly. I've done it a few different ways now but this is by far the laziest.
Preheat the oven to 375 F. Start with fresh brussels sprouts and wash them. Cut off the stem and bottom bit and remove the outer leaves. Place them on a baking tin. My roommates like to cut them in half and place them flat side down, but I like them round so you can lazily shuffle them around halfway through to cook evenly. Drizzle the sprouts with olive oil, coarse salt and pepper. Bake for 20-25 minutes, shake them around, then bake for 20-25 more to your taste.
They come out looking like this and confusingly edible.
Recipe for people who really, really hate reading:
Remove stems from sprouts. Sprinkle with olive oil, coarse salt, and pepper. Bake for 40 minutes, agitating halfway through.